Hello world. It's a sad angsty monday night and I'm spending it with The Beatles. I wish they were still around. John, Paul, George and Ringo, still alive and making awesome music together, thrilling crowds with concerts worldwide. But a girl can only dream.

Forget what I said previously about how I'm all grown up, there's still a lot more growing up to do. I'm still a little girl living in my own idealistic dreamworld with my own high expectations. Who's also unable to make life-changing decisions on my own. I'm fickle and indecisive, I change my decisions frequently, I'm unable to even make decisions, I go around getting advice and comfort and encouragement from everybody but myself. I think too much about things, I weigh the pros and cons of everything before making my decisions, I look at things from every possible perspective and even come up with new perpectives. And I need people to help me in making decisions, cos I can never make them on my own. Times like these, I really miss school and the people around who offer me help and support and encouragement. But I need to learn to make my own decisions, even decisions that change my life and might make me regret life. I need to learn the fact that I need to choose my own life, lead my own life and not bother anyone else's life. I need to learn that people's lives don't revolve around me, and I should be busy living my own life and planning my own life instead of taking people's help and advice for granted. I need to learn to live life knowing that there's no "right" thing to do, you just make decisions and hope for the best and hope that life will treat you well. I need to learn to deal with life, with all its harsh realities. Because life isn't a bed of roses. And people create their own lives, with the help of God possibly. There's no fixed route for you to follow, you make your own routes. Sure, there are some confinements within society for you to follow; but ultimately, you can even choose to break such confinements. Gone are the safety of school and Singapore's education system, of your parents and teachers' abilities to discipline you and shape your decisions. I'm turning into an adult soon and I need to live the adult way of life.

I hold high expectations of things and people. I get sad when such expectations of people break, when people turn out to be not who you thought they were, hugely different from the "perfect" image I held of them. I think I've mentioned this before, that I play perfect scenes in my head, then none of them ever come true. I need to learn to grow up and deal with the fact that all my ideals will probably never happen, that people are not what they seem despite how well you think you know them, that people change and societies change. That times change, even. (If children don't grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.) I need to stop being such a romantic idealistic little girl who believes in soulmates and true loves. At this rate, I'm probably gonna end up being a nun. I need to learn that you just need to live with whatever life deals you, good or bad, happy or sad (yes I think I just quoted a 1970s Black guy song).

Basically, I'm fucked cos I don't know how to be an adult and live my own life. Outside of school which has been my life for the past 12 years. I'm growing up, I'm becoming an adult and it scares the shit out of me. I'm going to uni, I hafta choose the uni I wanna go to, the course I wanna go to, even the country I wanna go to. And then when I grow up, I need to find a job, be happy with my job, take on more responsilities like buying a home and driving a car and depending on whether or not I find my soulmate, start a new family (SAY WHATTTTT). Ah, finding my soulmate, that's another thing I hafta do when I grow up. I hafta pay my own bills, do my own laundry, cook my own clothes. WTF I'M NOT READY TO BE AN ADULT LA OKAY. I don't even think I'll be able to get through A Level results in uh, 3-4 months time. Wtf A Level results, that's another thing I need to deal with that is life-changing and determine whether I can go to the uni and course of my choice. I fucking hate the complexities and unpredictabilities of life, the indefinite ways of living there are for me to choose.

Okay I think I just settled on applying for UK after A Level results and there's no going back. For real. No changing my mind again. Which is what's making me rage and angsty and all freaked out about life and my future. Because I'm deciding my own life, without a clue as to what I'm doing. But whatevs, I'm just gonna leave everything for after A Level results now.

Have you ever felt like your life was a mistake? Yeah it's what I'm feeling right now, cos I have no idea what to do with it. And where to go with all my obscure irrelevant Anthro/History/music/hippie dreams. Goodbye, I'm gonna go wallow in sad indie music now.

10:52 PM;